


I Want To Shout It From The Rooftops

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Secret Relationship, Songfic, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5257640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which keeping their relationship a secret is proving too difficult, and one is wishing for change</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want To Shout It From The Rooftops

**Author's Note:**

> So here is my (long overdue) collab with the super lovely galaxyhowlter (on tumblr)! 
> 
> This was the song I listened to first on the album and immediately thought of phan and had planned to write a songfic on it for ages, and a big big thankyou to Dan for helping me out with it :)
> 
> Enjoy your read xx

Songfic to '[ **Secret Love Song, Pt. II**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIwPhXaflow)'. I STRONGLY suggest listening to it as you read, I don't call it my 'phan song' for no reason ;)

\----

Dan sighed, his fingers tapped on the keys of his laptop and he felt a certain emptiness. It was over. Five weeks of touring had left them tired and exhausted, perhaps it was the fact they’d finally taken a rest, but their relationship was the only thing tugging at his thoughts. He loved Phil - his smile, the way his eyes shone and hand fitted perfectly in his - but their love was hidden from the world and it made it that bit harder to love outside of their flat.

“Dan?” Phil called, footsteps echoing off the cream walls in the hallway. Dan turned his head meeting Phil’s gaze, lips twitching into a smirk before he stepped closer to the brunet. “Since we’ve finished the tour, and we have some time to ourselves I thought, you know,” Phil giggled sheepishly, hand resting at the nape of his neck as his eyes divert to his mismatched socks. “I want to take you out and celebrate.” He tentatively trailed his eyes up to meet Dan, who wore a proud grin on his face. “And I’ve already got it booked.” Phil added quickly before pushing Dan’s laptop to the side and sitting on his lap (arguably not the most comfortable position by any stretch of the imagination).

“Thank you.” Dan mumbled, arms wrapped around Phil’s waist and head resting on his chest. “Won’t we get caught though, fans and-”

Panic started to kick in, his head was clouded with twisted ‘ _what if’s_ and he couldn’t think straight.

“Relax, Dan.” Phil feathered a finger under Dan’s chin and forced their eyes to meet. “I promise nothing will happen.” And after a tender kiss, Phil stood up and led Dan to his room.

After about an hour of deciding what to wear Dan settled on his “shirt for important occasions” as he named it in one liveshow. His head snapped to Phil standing at the doorway, immediately walking in and wrapping his arms around his waist.

“You look beautiful.” Phil almost whispered, placing a shy kiss to his cheek. “The taxi’s outside when you’re ready love.” Dan’s heart fluttered, and it reminded him that he was still as smitten as he was back in 2009 when their love consisted of shy glances and giggles, and kisses tasted of cheap alcohol. They walked hand in hand, exchanging intoxicating smiles as their eyes painted the streets amber and cerulean. The sun had set and the night air was lingering with frost (it being the middle of November) but neither man’s smile faltered from their lips.

“Jesus Phil, you really know how to spoil me.” Dan chuckled, Phil opening the door of the restaurant for him to walk in. “You know,” He starts, squeezing Phil’s hand tightly once they’re inside, “I am so proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too Dan, I really am.” Their lips brushed momentarily before Phil nods at the waiter, showing them to their seats.

“You booked a table overlooking London?” Dan’s eyes were wide in disbelief, wondering if Phil could be any more perfect.

“Only the best for you, besides I think we both need this - time together away from the cameras and lights.” His thumb glided over Dan’s, lips curling up into a smile. A chorus of gasps snapped them out of their loved-up daze, and they turned their heads in unison to the centre of the restaurant; a man, kneeling on the floor with a velvet box in an outstretched hand. Neither man could help the flutter of their hearts as the woman sitting on the chair stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck, a string of hiccups and “yes” filling the quiet atmosphere. Dan retracted his hand from Phil’s grasp, the single thought of ‘that could be us’ circling his thoughts.

They ordered, Phil waffling on about some animal fact he found on tumblr earlier that day and promptly stopped when the food arrived. Dan didn’t say much, mind cast in an entirely different world - blaming it on the jet-lag. Phil insisted he pays, although their money is shared and Dan protested with the fact that it was Phil’s idea, which Phil replied with that’s most definitely why he should pay.

As soon as they left they were bombarded with people asking for photos, and Dan wouldn’t usually mind, but today all he wanted to do was hold Phil’s hand without a care in the world. Some people questioned them, but Dan was quick to reply with “just a dinner with the tour crew”, although he could tell they weren’t buying it - they stopped believing his lies long ago.

Perhaps they’d had slightly too much to drink, but they certainly weren’t drunk. Dan hung his jacket up in the hallway, kicked his shoes off and flopped on the sofa with a huff. He contemplated scrolling through twitter but decided against it, it’d be full of “phan” anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hide them, he could think of nothing better than to kiss Phil at parties and hold his hands in the streets, shouting from the skylines that he was in love.

“Dan, are you okay? Have I said something wrong?” Phil asked, swirls of pain etched into his eyes.

“No Phil you’ve done nothing wrong, I’m fine I really am, just tired.” Dan smiled weakly, patting the seat next to him. “The restaurant was lovely, I don’t think I ever thanked you.” Dan mumbled against Phil’s lips, hand cupping his cheek. Their lips brushed and the brunette couldn’t hold back a smile as theirs tongues intertwined, and it felt perfect.

“Can we go to bed? I think I could sleep for a hundred years.” Phil rubbed his eyes once they pulled apart.

“Of course we can, I think I could too.” Lies. Something told Dan he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep.

Usually he felt safe in Phil’s arms, but tonight he just wanted to untangle himself from all of the suffocation and just be free. He lie awake, Phil’s gentle snores and heavy breathing the only noise in the room.

His mind was racing with how he’d even approach Phil on the subject of coming out to the public. Would he even want to? They hadn’t discussed anything of the sort before, not since 2012 when everything turned on its head and the only thing that would come out of their mouths was bitter tasting insults and salty tears cascading down their faces.

Dan gave up, opening his eyes before throwing back the covers and gently placing a kiss on Phil’s head. He flicked the switch to the kitchen, careful not to bump into the glass door which had heard more profanities than necessary.

He stood still in complete silence in the middle of the kitchen, half torn between switching on the coffee machine, but also running back to bed and crawling under the covers for the rest of time, clinging to Phil’s hand as though his life depended on it. But in a terrifying, yet unmistakably exciting way, it did.

Dan was so deeply, unequivocally in love with Phil that it made him giddy, but those feelings were abashed with the overwhelming realisation it could only be behind closed doors.

Kisses were only shared when the curtains were drawn in case of any detective-esque fans or paparazzi, I love you’s only exchanged when out of earshot from anyone around them.

He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, that he had found the one, he had found the person that makes him whole, no longer the broken teenage boy he had been not too long before, but it was times like this that their love felt almost homeless.

He wanted to be able to watch on adoringly as his boyfriend performed to sold-out arenas of doting viewers, without it being overanalysed and a phan-based hashtag trending as a result. He wanted to hold Phil’s hand as they walked down the street, and have a lover’s tiff in the supermarket over what kind of cereal to buy, sealing the eventual deal with a sweet kiss.

He wanted to be able to kiss his boyfriend of six years on the dancefloor as they danced at their tour afterparty, he wanted to be like the couples surrounding them, slow dancing with heads resting on chests and arms around waists, tender kisses pressed to foreheads and interlocked fingers weaving effortlessly.

Why couldn’t they be like that?

Why couldn’t Dan hold Phil in his arms as they swayed on the dancefloor, pressing his lips to Phil’s hair as he told him again just how proud he was. Why couldn’t they be like everyone else, not kept behind closed doors?

It would never be quite enough.

Dan was so deep in love, he would drown in it if it were to real-life scale, but he could never show it on his face. Whenever he looked at Phil it would be screenshotted on every social network, complete with psychological analysis and unnecessary – albeit generally accurate -  conclusions being drawn. It killed him a little more whenever the camera switched on or the door opened, and Dan and Phil were no longer the couple that were so in love, they were their online personas, platonic by socialisation but fake in tone and effort.

Dan rested his hands on the kitchen counter as he tapped out a tuneless melody, breathing in and out as he attempted to gather his thoughts. It often left him speechless, breathless, even, how perfect they were for each other. It was as if they were each other’s perfect fit, in both personality and physically, everything was shared. Humour, clothing, secrets, hushed affection accompanied with disguised, subtle emojis. When Dan would look up from the text tight-lipped, wanting to shout about it and show the world just how lucky he was, he would only nod appreciatively, and Phil’s eyes would glisten as he nodded back and began typing again.

A stolen glance was apparently too risky for Phil, as it was rare that he ever initiated eye-contact in public that Dan wasn’t already reciprocating, he wished it could be different.

The last time he was like this, he was sobbing in the corner of the living room at three a.m., and at noticing the absence in the bed, Phil had ran into the room and crouched in front of Dan, hushing soothingly and whispering sweet nothings as he took Dan’s hands in his.

_“I’m yours. I love you more than anything, and I’ll always be yours, forever”_ he whispered, sincerity evident as his tone was steady as a rock. He then kissed Dan tenderly, pulling away only to wipe away the remnants of tears from the brunet’s cheeks, and pulled him onto his lap, playing with his hair absentmindedly as they sat in silence, just watching the sunrise through the slits below the blackout curtains.

But it was now nearing two a.m. and Dan was still alone, wrapped up in his thoughts, but he had now managed to fix himself a cup of coffee which laid untouched on the table, his laptop laid open beside it, displaying his screensaver. A picture of them from Japan, beneath a cherry blossom tree, Dan placing a soft kiss to Phil’s cheek and Phil feigning shock as his hand rested on his other cheek, and his mouth was in a perfect ‘o’ shape. It always made Dan smile fondly, it was the one time he felt truly free, expressive, open to the world.

One day they didn’t even leave the hotel, just completely wrapped up in each other and the ability to do whatever they pleased, nobody to maintain them or keep them to a schedule, it was the day that stuck in Dan’s memory the most.

It was miraculous, how different they acted on Japanese soil. Phil eagerly grabbed for Dan’s hand every time they turned onto a new street, and clutched onto it, squeezing it every time he spotted a stall he was far too enthused about. And it made Dan fall that much deeper, he didn’t think it possible.

A sushi bar led to a lady-and-the-tramp-spaghetti type situation, and the giggles that erupted as their lips met were sounds that played through Dan’s mind every time Phil referred to him as a ‘best friend’. Nothing more, nothing less.

On the plane ride home, it wasn’t hard to detect the change. They mouthed a silent exchange of ‘I love you’s behind their menus that were held at the side of their heads, and Phil placed his headphones on and leaned against the headrest. Dan sighed as his head dipped down.

Twenty minutes later Phil’s head rolled onto Dan’s shoulder, and Dan’s heart fluttered at the simple display of arguable affection. He rested his head on Phil’s, and a bubble of anxiety formed in the pit of his stomach as he spoke the words that he had been harbouring for years.

_“I think we should make the video”_

Silence. Dan felt tears well in his eyes as he slowly leaned forward to get a look at Phil’s expression. But he was asleep, chest steadily rising and falling, and he clearly didn’t hear a thing. He didn’t mean to have leant on Dan’s shoulder either.

“I wish we could be like that” Dan sighed as he flipped the lid of his laptop down, the memory-triggering screensaver disappearing and plunging the room into darkness, only the energy-saving bulb in the kitchen lighting up the back portion.

He let his coffee grow cold as he sobbed into his hands, keeping Dan and Phil the people separate to Dan and Phil the brand was growing tougher each day. He was sick of articulately dodging questions about his love life during interviews, he was sick of pretending nothing happened in 2009 when anyone asks.

Maybe one day things would change.

“I’m living for that day” Dan sighed, voice broken as he answered his own thoughts, sobbing only heavier when he heard how damaged he sounded.

It seemed both a minute and a decade until the main light was switched on and footsteps padded across the wooden panels, and hands gently grasped Dan’s wrists, pulling his hands away from his head and revealing his red, puffy cheeked state.

“Dan?” Phil asked, genuine concern written all over his face and his own tone of voice shaky.

“I’m fine” Dan answered automatically, gently releasing his wrists from Phil’s grasp, and wiping his teary eyes far too roughly.

“You’re clearly not fine… what are you doing out here?” Phil asked, gesturing to the living room in its entirety, gaze lingering on the cold coffee on the table.

“Couldn’t sleep” Dan shrugged, sniffling and wiping his eyes before any fresh tears had a chance to fall.

“Will you please tell me what I’ve done? The last thing in the world I’d want is to annoy or upset you and-“

“You haven’t done anything, alright?” Dan interrupted, wiping his eyes yet again. He didn’t raise his voice at all, he just didn’t want Phil worrying unnecessarily. Hiding their relationship wasn’t that much of a big deal to Phil, evidently, so he didn’t want to rope him into his own panicked state.

Silence took over the two for a few minutes as Phil sat cross-legged on the floor, looking down at his lap. Dan looked everywhere but at Phil.

“Dan, I can’t help you if you don’t-“

“It’s us, okay? It’s us. I’m losing sleep over it and I don’t know if I can keep this up” he snapped, collapsing into a fit of tears, head falling into his lap as he sobbed relentlessly.

“What do you mean, us? Are you saying you want to…” Phil trailed off mid-sentence, and made no attempt to move, not even a muscle.

Dan found himself laughing, the calibre borderline bitterly. “Literally the complete fucking opposite” he replied, attempting to not have his voice break again. Thankfully, luck finally decided to work in his favour.

Phil stood up and sat beside Dan on the sofa, and took his hands, prompting Dan to turn sideways and face Phil. Both men sat cross-legged opposite one another, eye contact steady and constant.

“What is the opposite of breaking up, Dan?” Phil asked, the corners of his mouth potentially twitching upwards.

Dan sighed, deciding to simply lay his heart completely on the line. “I don’t want to hide us away anymore, Phil. I don’t want to live another day where I have to pretend I’m not utterly in love with you, and I’m tired of not being able to tell you how much I love you when you do something unintentionally exceptional, like make me the happiest I could ever be just by snapping a selfie of us in the middle of the street” Dan furrowed his eyebrows as he mentally facepalmed himself at his choice of example, but what he said was all completely true.

Phil nodded, and bit his lip as he momentarily broke eye contact to look down at the sofa, then back again.

Dan broke one of his hands free from Phil’s and flipped his laptop open once again, the screensaver illuminating the room further, and he pointed to it.

“I want to be back like we were then, remember that?” Dan asked, and Phil turned his head to look at the screen, and Dan was sure he could see tears teetering on Phil’s waterline a few seconds later.

“I’m sorry” Phil spoke quietly, squeezing Dan’s hand softly, rubbing his thumb over it comfortingly.

“For what?” Dan asked, hoping what he predicted the answer to be would be the reality.

“I thought this was what you wanted, I didn’t think you wanted anyone to know” Phil explained, and Dan felt his eyes involuntarily widen. Before he had a chance to object, Phil continued.

“Yeah, I mean, you’ve always been a kind of private person, especially about the relationship aspects of your life, and I wanted to respect that, I thought it was making you happy. Six years, well near enough, is a long time and I thought it was kind of our routine, you know? Fake smile, fake smile, platonic friend, best friend, and whatnot. I guess I should have just asked, we should have talked about it before” Phil shrugged, squeezing Dan’s hand a little harder as his tears began to dot the sofa cushion, and Dan felt his heart breaking at the sight of it.

He propped a finger underneath Phil’s chin so he was made to greet Dan once again, and he pressed his lips to Phil’s softly, sweetly, no extreme amount of passion was needed in the moment. “I love you, so much” Dan whispered as their foreheads rested against one another’s, and he listened with a small smile as Phil’s breathing slowly regained a normal rate.

“Can I give you something?” Phil asked a few minutes later, after they’d just been lost in each other’s eyes, a silent throwaround of pet names and amorous exchanges, a three-thirty a.m. conversation to remember.

“Now?” Dan asked in response, and Phil nodded insistently, and Dan chuckled as he said sure, and it seemed only a millisecond between Phil jumping up from the sofa, running to their room and running back out, placing a silver box (complete with a fancily crafted silver bow) on Dan’s lap and requesting eagerly for him to open it.

“Is this really appropriate for three-thirty a.m.?” Dan enquired, and Phil waved his hand dismissively as he gestured for Dan to open the box, and brought his knees to his chest, and rested his head on them as he watched Dan intently.

Dan set to work on carefully unwrapping the bow as to not rip or tear it, his previous crying sessions now an obsolete memory. As he was lifting the lid, Phil spoke up once again.

“Think of it as an, um, celebratory end of tour present,” Dan raised an eyebrow and Phil blushed, shaking his head then nodding towards the box, encouraging Dan to continue. “And for the bants” he added hastily, and Dan slammed the lid down sarcastically and gave Phil his infamous ‘are you serious’ look.

“Please don’t ruin the moment by saying the word ‘bants’” Dan requested jokily, and Phil’s blush only intensified.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But go on” Phil apologised, gaze flicking every second between both Dan and the box on his lap, unsure which to focus on.

“Phil are you serious” Dan asked, lifting a pack of Maltesers out of the box and waggling them towards his blushing boyfriend.

“For old times' sake” Phil threw the excuse out of mid-air, and smiled knowingly to himself as Dan rolled his eyes playfully and started to dig through the box.

He retrieved packet after packet of Maltesers out of the box, usually with a sarcastic comment or quip to accompany the action, and with every one, Phil felt his throat close up just that much more.

“Did you literally just fill this with-“ Dan cut himself off mid-sentence, and Phil felt as if someone was now scratching at his throat. “Wait”

Phil waited with bated breath as Dan lifted the final packet out of the box, placing it on his knee as he dropped the box onto the floor. He flipped the packet upside down, allowing the ring to come tumbling out onto his palm.

“This isn’t exactly the time or setting I had in mind, but…” Phil spoke with a sudden bout of confidence and adrenaline, and it was Dan’s turn to be rendered speechless, his gaze fixed on the ring in the palm of his hand, admiring in awe how it reflected from the living room lights.

“Dan, why do you really think I asked you out for dinner tonight?” Phil asked, and Dan snapped his head up and stared at Phil, wide-eyed and bewildered.

“You-you were going to..” he couldn’t get a full sentence out, but Phil understood and merely shrugged, and then sighed.

“I was going to, yes. But then I got upstaged by that other couple…” he began to explain, and Dan nodded once, suddenly wishing the newly engaged couple something other than eternal happiness.

“And then I saw your reaction. You looked nervous, scared, and that was why I didn’t try” Phil concluded, and carefully took the ring from Dan’s palm, and began rolling it between his forefinger and thumb.

“But we’ve never been ones for old-fashioned conventionality, have we? So I guess all that’s left is for me to ask, right?” Phil asked the second question more to himself than to Dan, who was still speechless, watching Phil’s every move with the utmost precision.

With his legs now having the consistency of jelly due to being a bag of nerves, Phil had no sooner stood up from the sofa that he had tumbled to the ground, his legs giving way, and he repositioned himself to be resting on one knee, the ring still carefully balanced between his fingers.

“I did have a huge speech and a romantic plan, but frankly it’s nearly four in the morning and I may have forgotten all about it, but… I feel that this is more raw, more us, do you agree?” he asked, and Dan nodded, slowly bringing his hands to his mouth as he anticipated what was coming next.

“This is so long overdue, but I finally think we’re ready, for everything the world might throw at us. So, Daniel James Howell, will you do me the absolute honour of…” Phil trailed off as he attempted to find the perfect end to the sentence, and Dan’s smile grew behind his cupped hands as he watched his bumbling boyfriend.

“Oh, screw it. Dan, will you marry me?” Phil asked, and Dan immediately fell to the floor in a fit of tears and giggles, shouting ‘yes’ over and over again and kissing every inch of Phil’s face that he could reach.

Phil sighed in relief and joined Dan in a giggle as he slipped the ring onto Dan’s appropriate finger, and cupped his hands around Dan’s cheeks as he kissed his fiancé passionately, breaking apart only when the need was dire, and they both wiped their eyes free of their happy tears before helping each other to a standing position.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and hugged him tightly, sobbing into his chest. Phil enveloped Dan in his arms and held him close, whispering ‘I love you’ over and over.

“Dan?” Phil spoke up a minute or so later, and Dan pulled away to look his fiancé in the eye, raising an eyebrow in response. “How about that dance we missed out on at the afterparty?” Phil suggested, and Dan felt a single tear run down his cheek as he nodded vigorously and Phil took his hand, leading him to the more open area of the living room, free of furniture. It made Dan feel all that more warm and fuzzy inside that Phil may have been thinking the exact same things that Dan himself had throughout the duration of their relationship.

Dan looped his arms around Phil’s neck and Phil looped his arms around Dan’s waist as they began to sway slowly to a melody that wasn’t playing, just completely lost in each other.

\--

“Right, that’s everything set up, I think we’re ready” Phil announced as he sat on the bed beside Dan, and rested his hand upon Dan’s.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this” Dan stated as he breathed out, and Phil squeezed his hand and pecked his lips softly.

“You’re going to do so well” Phil insisted, and Dan felt his cheeks begin to blush.

After another exhale of breath he didn’t know he was holding, he nodded. “Okay, let’s go”

Phil pressed the button, the red light greeted them.

“Hey guys!”

“Hello Internet…”

**Author's Note:**

> A BIG HUGE THANKYOU TO THE LOVELY DAN FOR COLLABING WITH ME ON THIS! We did a collab over on his blog at Halloween about parent!phan pumpkin carving, so be sure to check that out once you’ve read this one!
> 
> If you haven’t listened to the song yet I strongly suggest you do, it just screams phan to me (and Dan, hence why we’ve collabed on a songfic for it) and I really think a lot of you would like it! Maybe reread this fic whilst listening to the song if you haven’t already, it does fit really really well :)
> 
> As always, please please please let me know what you thought of this fic, and thankyou so much for all the support xx
> 
> Ps; see if you can tell who wrote which part and guess who wrote more (*cough* no idea who could waffle on about a fluff overload for 3k words nope none at all)


End file.
